Manners are not Virtues
Every nation has social and cultural norms and expectations for polite society. They are different all over the world, but every people group has constructs for how to demonstrate courtesy. Here in the United States, we highly value saying “please” and “thank you,” we value holding doors for people coming behind us, or for ladies, we tell our children to keep their elbows off the table, or chew with their mouths closed.
We tend to think these are universally accepted acts of politeness, but in fact, in many countries, both elbows and arms up on the table and visible is considered polite and a demonstration of not hiding anything. In Haiti where I grew up, it’s considered rude to say “thank you” in response to a compliment, as it implies taking credit for something you did not do. For example, if I compliment someone’s attire by saying, “Your dress is beautiful,” a polite response in Haiti is a simple “Yes,” as the person acknowledges they know it’s beautiful, but did not make it themselves. Manners are a society’s way of demonstrating what they consider to be polite, and a way to show respect for one another, and as such, become trained habits. By the time we are adults, we automatically hold doors for others, put our napkins in our laps, and withhold interruption in conversation with others.
It’s often easy to confuse manners with virtues, and think that manners – polite habits – are demonstrations of virtues when, in fact, they are not. Virtues are not habits, but intentional and often difficult choices we make when any other action would usually be easier. Forgiving someone who was mean to you is not, and never will be, a habit. It’s difficult, and not a natural response to meanness. A student showing prudence by not copying visible test answers is not a natural choice, and is a mighty test of integrity.
The virtues we discuss most often here at the Academy are prudence, fortitude, temperance, justice, faith, hope and love. As you teach your children and model virtues at home, be careful not to confuse polite habits with the difficult choices you are asking them to choose to make. Think of a couple of examples of each virtue, so you can easily show them what it means to be just or temperate, without defaulting to mannerly living. We do all love manners, but as we train up our children in the Lord, let’s train and highlight the eternal things He calls us to in His Word.
