There’s one Bible story that stands above so many others in discipling and disciplining kids, and it’s kind of a pet peeve of mine that it’s in hardly any children’s Bibles! The one defining story that can be used as a picture for interpersonal relationships, friendships, sibling relationships – really any relationship between two humans is characterized in the story of Cain and Abel.
When you look at the story, you might first think of jealousy, and yes, certainly jealousy played a role, but so did pride, anger, coveting, disobedience, lying… And usually when you start to break down interpersonal conflict between people or your kids, there’s rarely just one isolated sin involved, but rather a multitude of sins piles up.
(Let me make a quick note for clarity here before going on. There are different kinds of conflict – those based in offense – someone did something mean, unkind, harmful/sinful to another person, and those that arise from a difference of opinion or perspective. So here, we might differentiate these by two examples – one is someone hits someone else in anger in the Gaga pit, or second, two people disagreeing over whether someone is out in Gaga Ball. The first involves offense; the second is difference of opinion or viewpoint. In our discussion here today, we’re only dealing with the former – conflict based in offense where sin is involved.)
When thinking of the various sins which might pile up, you might be wondering why it’s necessary to identify these. It’s because we have to say them to our children. We have to show them what pride is. What jealousy looks like. That shades of dishonesty is the same as lying. We show them this not with a mind to condemn, but to show them the contrast to what is right. We humans are smart people, and while we haven’t invented any new sins, we are really creative in how we live them out. I love the story of Cain and Abel because it’s so straightforward, and so relevant to so many situations and relationships.
There’s human conflict, but also a cosmic conflict being shown here. All of these stories are instructive for us, and for the kids we’re discipling. When God asked Cain where his brother was, Cain famously answers, “I’m not my brother’s keeper,” the very attitude and mindset that leads to being able to sin against someone and think we can walk away unaffected. “No skin off my back,” “Not my problem,” “Who cares?” “He’s not my kid,” – are all different ways of saying “I’m not my brother’s keeper.”
One thing I’ve said to my own children since they were very small, especially my older two is, “you are Chester’s keeper,” “you are Electa’s keeper,” training them to watch over one another and protect, but also it builds in responsibility and accountability for each other. If they go as a group – “You are each other’s keepers!” You are each other’s keepers, not to be the boss of each other, but to call each other to right action, and to remind one another how to obey.
If you have a Bible handy, take a second to read Genesis 4:2-16, even if you already know the story well! God used some strategies here I think we can use when our kids are in conflict with each other.
STRATEGIES FOR CAIN:
First, in verses 4-6, God tried to veer Cain off the path He knew Cain was on. We should try to see sin coming between our children and head it off. (Prov. 17:14 – starting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so stop a dispute before it breaks out.)
Second, in verses 8-9, God asked questions before making assumptions about what had happened. He asked questions, but not in a way to provide excuses for Cain’s sin. Oftentimes, we ask the wrong questions and inadvertently give our kids an excuse to hand back to us: “Did you not hear me tell you to make your bed?” “Did you forget to unload the dishwasher?” These are not the types of questions that get us anywhere useful. Our questions should be seeking information, ‘Cain, where is your brother?’
In verses 10-12, God gave correction and discipline that was related to the offense. (A special note here that an apology is not discipline; it’s restoring fellowship.) When we’re having our child make amends, or “fix” it – they can return something they stole, replace something they broke, clean the wall they colored on.
Lastly for Cain, in verses 15-16, we see God wrapping things up with Cain and everyone else too. When sin is forgiven and discipline executed, no one else gets to have a say, add on to, treat anyone differently because of the sin or correction. Once it’s dealt with, it’s done, forgiven, and we don’t keep a record of wrongs to bring up guilt and shame later.
Now, I think it’s important in conflict to deal with both persons – the offended and the offender. The person who was wronged needs discipleship as well – they might be sad or angry or unforgiving or confused, and they need their heart mended also. Jesus is our picture of how our Abel character should respond.
STRATEGIES FOR ABEL
In John 18:23, when Jesus was being blamed and accused, Jesus spoke truthfully about what had occurred. He didn’t exaggerate, create more drama, but spoke truthfully and simply.
Luke 23:34 – Jesus forgave them, and asked God to. He didn’t intend to hold a grudge. (Isa. 59:2 – sin separates us; forgiveness restores fellowship.)
Then we see finally in 1 Cor. 13: 5, 7 that Christians don’t keep a record of wrongs, but always protect, hope, trust, and persevere. We can forgive and not have broken fellowship with someone, but are free to rebuild trust and protect and hope in our friend.
As you disciple and discipline your children through conflict, pray through these thoughts and examples in Scripture to set your heart and mind rightly, so your words and actions are led by God, not your anger, upset or sadness. Help your children know you are following God’s example in how you help them sort out their conflict, and want them to think Christianly to do the same!
